If I Could Build A Golf Club From Scratch, This Is How It Would Look…

There’s tremendous variety to be found at the thousands of golf clubs all over the globe. From traditional establishments to modern facilities, from the plushest of associations with unlimited budgets to ramshackle set-ups run on a shoestring. The beauty of golf clubs is that different arrangements can work equally well, depending on the requirements in the club’s locality.

Individuals have differing requirements and expectations too, that means a hypothetical, ultimate golf club will be unique for each golfer. You may agree with some of what’s written here but will almost certainly have a few ideas for changes you would make. But if I was to build a golf club from scratch – this is what I imagine it would look like when finished:

The Setting

First of all, the club is set on a perfect stretch of traditional links land. It doesn’t need to have massive dunes because of its perfect rolling terrain, like one of the great old links of the UK and Ireland – Terrain like at St Andrews or Carnoustie, like Birkdale or St George’s. There are stunning views in every direction, with distant mountains like at Cabot Castle Stuart, expansive skies like at Royal Troon and an incredible coastline to take in like at Royal County Down or Rosapenna, there are visible islands and rocky outcrops like at Turnberry and North Berwick… This might sound like a compilation album of the best British and Irish links… Well, yes it is. That’s because they are the best courses in the world and this is the “very best” of them.

Driving up to the club entrance, things are understated but classy, a shortish drive cuts between two dunes leading from reality (on the edge of a major city where post-round partying is available) into a magical, serene and peaceful world of golf. The club does not have a pretentious name. It’s simply named after the place in which it sits… Wherever that is.

The shortish drive takes a couple of sweeping turns into a simply enormous car park where you can abandon your motor at will in one of hundreds of parking spaces, each wide enough for a tank.

The clubhouse sits straight ahead with entrances all open into either locker rooms, pro shop or main lobby. The clubhouse is large but not ostentatious, totally in keeping with the architecture of the local area. The styling and the décor delivers a perfect blend of tradition and modern functionality. Oh, and it has no fewer than six bars and an underground function hall that regularly hosts a diverse selection of music, comedy and theatre.

The Golf

There are two courses both forging straight out and straight back from the clubhouse in the style of the old-school links. The courses share a double ninth green behind which is the world’s greatest halfway house. It has a wide glass front from which you can watch the group behind and a glass back with a large deck area that leads out onto the beach. You can stay for as long as you want (you don’t have to go in at all of course,) and there’s no problem if you choose to play the back nine of the other course. The eco-friendly halfway hut blends seamlessly into its surrounds and has its own micro brewery.

Both courses feature a great mix of holes, four par 5s, four par 3s and 10 par 4s. Two of the par 5s on both courses are reachable in two depending on the wind direction and there’s a driveable par 4 on each of the four nines. The par-3s range in length from 115 yards to 200 yards.

There are five teeing options on every hole meaning the courses both range in total distance from 5,600 to 7,200 yards. The longest walk between green and tee is 50 yards but each hole feels totally separate from the last and the next. Bunkers are revetted and well placed, holes are not over-bunkered but each one is punishing. The rough is wispy and will affect your play, but you are highly unlikely to lose a ball. Greens are sprawling and subtle.

The head greenkeeper has 25 years experience at other great links venues and the playing surfaces remain firm and perfectly true, 12 months a year.

The wind changes each day so that it helps on the way out on the odd days of each month and helps on the way back on the evens.

The Club

We should consider how the club is funded, because it’s clearly not run on the cheap. That’s quite a story actually. The club was founded by a local entrepreneur who became a billionaire by inventing a novel but totally effective hangover cure that had no competition from any other pharmaceutical or healthcare company. He’s sole patent holder and it’s changed boozing forever. He’s quite a good lad actually, and a riot in the bar. He plays off 3. Anyway, he pays for the whole schmear, membership subs are voluntary and of no set cost… All the money taken in goes to charity.

There are 1,000 members and membership goes to the nearest 1,000 local residents who want to be members. Unsurprisingly, the nearest 1,000 local residents all want to be members which has done wonders for the local property market. But, because a good number of people in this local area are not driven by money, many of the original members remain, meaning there’s a great and eclectic mixed membership, 50% male, 50% female with a thriving junior section and regular family events. This is a club where everyone is welcome.

The club is run by a crack team of administrators poached from golf’s governing bodies and leading resorts. The membership never needs to have much of a say because things are always perfect. They just turn up, play and enjoy the facilities. There’s occasionally an AGM but it’s more a celebration of greatness than a chance for complaints.

Improvements to the course are always overseen by a select group of architects and course managers, honoured to work on such an incredible course. Hospitality is down to a clubhouse manager who has experience in Michelin-starred restaurants and five-star hotels. She always dreamed of being able to take that expertise into the golfing sector and now she has.

She manages a squad of chefs, sommeliers, croupiers, baristas, fitness gurus, psychologists and masseurs. There’s a troupe of waiters from Italy and a squad of ornamental gardeners from Japan to look after the bonsai trees in the courtyard… Ok, no, this might all be a bit much. Let’s just say, there is great food and drink available at all times and a very high level of friendly and efficient service.

Everyone’s Welcome

There’s competitive golf, social golf, mixed golf, junior and senior golf. There are weekly events in the clubhouse – quizzes, karaoke nights, entertainment acts. The clubhouse is open 24 hours and there are comfortable dormy rooms for those who would like to stay over or have an early tee time to be ready for.

Our club pro is a former Ryder Cup captain and exceptional instructor. His academy features state of the art technology for both swing analysis and club fitting. The practice ground has 48 grass bays that can be covered by retractable roof if necessary, each bay has a Trackman launch monitor. The short game facility makes Trump International Scotland’s look a little on the small side and our rolling putting green is the size of a football pitch with swales like on the Himalayas in St Andrews.

This otherworldly club is not easy to locate, you won’t see it listed in any course guide nor marked on any maps. But if you love golf enough then, one glorious day, you might just find yourself striding our fairways with the sun on your back and a club in your hand.