What’s The Most Rage-Inducing Thing In Golf? No, It’s Not Slow Play...

Golf can be hugely rewarding. It can be life-affirming, therapeutic and cathartic. It’s physically and socially stimulating. It’s fresh air and beautiful surroundings. It can be thrilling and inspiring and it's good for your mental health. But, boy, can it be irritating.

It’s one of the most challenging sports you can play and, as such, it can be massively frustrating. The smallest errors can lead to monumental disasters. An innocuous head movement or grip adjustment can be round ending.

For me, golf is so compelling because a state of on-course serenity is achievable, but rage is always lurking and must be supressed. It’s a great spiritual test.

And it’s not just the technical difficulty of the game that can trigger feelings of anger. Golf involves other people, all of whom are dealing with their own inner demons relating to the game. The challenge they pose and the anger they can potentially elicit in you must also be overcome.

To play well at golf, you must keep a lid on your fury. It’s crucial to stay calm, but it’s easier said than done when so many things could tip you over the edge.

Everyone is different when it comes to what pushes their buttons in golf and not all will agree with my list here. Hey, I won’t get angry about that… What’s the point. It’s only a list. It’s no big deal. You think what you want… Deep breaths, deep breaths…

Right, now I’ve calmed down slightly, here are my most rage-inducing things in golf, counting down from five to one.

5 - A putt left on the lip

Let’s start with a basic rage-inducer. The putt that heads for the centre of the cup, looks for all the world like it’s going to drop but then, inexplicably, comes to an abrupt halt right on the very edge of the hole.

It was tracking. It was a dead cert. It was a shot back on the field. It was joy unbounded. And then it wasn’t. It was almost like it hit some sort of force field, a buffer, a glue-trap.

You go from stirrings of elation to chasms of despair in the space of half a second. Your hopes dance on the crest of a wave only to be dashed on the rocks. Then, when the surf subsides, dragging your disappointment back out to sea, all that’s left is rage.

Why did this happen? Why is it always me? Why have the golfing gods forsaken me? Yes – I find the putt left on the lip rather annoying.

4 - The slice

There are many and varied bad shots in golf and all of them make me angry to varying degrees.

The hook is ugly, but I can temper my rage by thinking it was only an over-cooked draw. I like a draw.

The shank elicits more embarrassment than rage, even if it is more destructive.

The thin would have been a good one if just one more groove had been involved. The fat would have been a good one if one fewer groove had been involved.

But the slice. The slice is just plain bad. It means, bad set-up, bad grip, bad swing path, bad clubface positioning and it almost always results in a bad result. No distance and hugely offline.

There’s something unfeasibly annoying about seeing a ball flying inexorably off-line from left to right, particularly if the wind is pushing it that way too. There’s time to build up an alarming level of rage while your ball drifts off into the great blue yonder, over the hills and far away (and often out of bounds).

It’s that feeling of helplessness that triggers the fury. Nothing can stop that little orb disappearing into oblivion. No power on earth can prevent its demise. It’s exasperating.

3 - Superiority complexes

Some years ago, I turned up to play at a famous club that will remain nameless, paying a hefty green fee. I was playing with a pal, and my wife was going to walk round.

We went to the caddy master to hand over a good chunk of our monthly salary. He looked over our shoulders at Mrs Bisset. “What’s she doing?” he spat out.

“She is my wife. And she is walking round.” I replied. “Well, she isn’t allowed in the main section of the clubhouse.” He continued unpleasantly.

He then proceeded to tell us that we couldn’t tee off the 1^st as it was suddenly busy, and he sent us on a long walk to the 10^th tee to begin. When we got there, we hit off, only to be set upon by two angry members coming off the 9^th green who were incensed that we had “cut in.”

We were made to feel horrible. Like imposters and second-class citizens. It’s something there is an ongoing battle to drum out of golf, but you can never drum it out of some people. Some people like to think they are better than others.

I don’t think I’m better than anyone else and I don’t like people who believe they are. There are still too many of those types in golf and we don’t need them.

2 - Slow Play

I said in the headline that slow play isn’t the most rage-inducing thing in golf. But, in my run down of annoyances it comes a close second.

Standing on every tee, every fairway watching those in front goofing around and preventing you completing your game expeditiously is mind-bendingly irritating.

There are myriad causes for slow play and none of them are forgivable.

Too long a pre-shot routine, moving ponderously, poor trolley/cart management, lack of awareness, procrastination, extended conversations, checking/using phone constantly, not being ready to play, aim point… witnessing any and all these things whilst standing waiting to hit makes me want to scream.

A special mention here for a particular breed of heedless slow player. A group of goons who drive me to distraction on the fairways – Those golfers who think it’s okay to cut in front of you and then hold you up.

At my club, it’s quite easy to cut across from 3 to 12, 4 to 11 and people do that a lot. That’s fine. But if you do, you absolutely must not hold up people playing a full round. Anyone who does this should have their golf clubs confiscated and their membership suspended.

1 – Foot in mouth syndrome

The thing that makes my blood boil up and over on the golf course, more than anything else, is playing partners who either purposefully, or “accidentally” talk nonsense during your round. Seemingly inane blether that will inevitably put you off your stride.

You know exactly the people I’m talking about. The playing partner who tells you how well you’re driving the ball on the walk to the hardest tee shot on the course. They’re the same person who will say, “That isn’t like you!” as you then block one into the trees.

You can’t accuse them of deliberately sledging. They were just being polite… weren’t they? But you can’t help but think that their comments were strategically inserted to derail your play.

That type of person will also be inclined to comment on their game in such a way as to impact yours. After they’ve carefully negotiated a challenging tee shot – “Crikey, all I could think about was the out of bounds. I’m glad ‘I’ avoided it.”

Those people deserve to be consigned to the seventh level of golfing hell. May their balls become misshapen, and their shafts be made crooked. May all their shanks come at once.

A few other key phrases these “foot in mouth syndrome” golfers are prone to use at inopportune (or in my opinion) carefully chosen moments include – “take your time,” “one” (as your ball falls off a tee after you touch it with your driver,” “great shot,” as your ball flies off handsomely towards a penalty area, “Yup, it’s in,” just before your putt horseshoes out of the hole, then “I can’t believe that didn’t go in.” ….

No – neither can I but I can tell by your tone just how delighted you are about it.

There’s quite simply nothing more rage-inducing in golf than the player who tries to use cliches and seemingly harmless patter to prevent you from playing your best. Aside from cheating, that’s the most uncool thing to do in golf.