I’m A High-Handicapper, So Don’t Moan When I Get On The Green In 'Zero'... Let Me Enjoy My Rare Moment Of Triumph

Most high-handicappers are capable of playing good shots and good holes, just not doing so consistently – which is precisely why they are high-handicappers.

So don't moan when they get 'on the green in zero': let them have this rare moment of triumph. Golf is supposed to be fun, so don’t be a killjoy with your moaning or, to you, your utterly hilarious and jolly witty and oh so original comments about bandits.

Most golf competitions are set up in favour of the better golfer. The longest drive, nearest the pin and twos competitions – these are all in effect scratch competitions, whereby the high-handicapper is subsiding the prizes of the low-handicap players.

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So have some humility. If you’re playing somebody of much higher handicap in match play, just accept that some holes you won't be able to win if the high handicapper plays at their best on that hole. But match play is played over 18 holes, not one.

If a golfer is capable of playing most of the holes in a round well, they wouldn’t have a high handicap, would they? And if they never played a good shot, or a good hole, during a round, don’t you think they would probably have given up golf yonks ago?

As high-handicappers are often erratic players, in Stableford competitions they often mix in blobs alongside three- and four-pointers.

A low-handicapper and a high-handicapper can therefore be a very strong combination in better ball. Low-handicappers will probably get two points on the majority of holes and the high handicap will occasionally chip in with the occasional three or four pointer (a score normally beyond low handicappers).

But high-handicap golfers come in all shapes and sizes, with all types of golf game and experience. In the senior section of my club, there are many high-handicap players, some of them former single-figure golfers who are no longer able to hit the ball particularly far.

They are steady players who rarely miss a fairway and rarely lose a ball. They just take more shots to reach the green now they are in their 80s than they did when they were younger and stronger.

'Is yours an official handicap?'

In one of my first competitions at one of my clubs, I played with a chap who often did not even reach the fairway off the tee. I was hitting my drives around 100 yards further than him. But once he got on the green, he one-putted more often than he two-putted. Or so it seemed.

I would be on the green in two shots fewer than him, and we would walk off with a half after his one-putt and my three-putt.

Recently, I was a late replacement in a better-ball club match, which ended up as three single-figure golfers and me. The opposing pair had to give me 11 and 13 shots. My drive on the stroke index 4 1st hole went 243 yards down the centre of the fairway(I remember the exact distance with pride – and for its rarity value).

My opponents’ faces were a picture and walking off the tee came the predictable questions: “Is yours an official handicap? How often do you put in cards?” and so on.

As we broke away, the two of them muttering among the themselves about how there was no way they can beat this chap if we have to give so many shots, my partner ambled across, giggling:

“It never occurs to people when they see you drive that you must be a lousy chipper and putter, does it? We have won this as they have talked themselves out of being able to win.”

We indeed won the match, against a backdrop of our opponents’ consistent moans, despite me never again hitting a drive as far and as straight as that one off the 1st, and despite my frequent three-putts.