5 Heinous Golfing 'Crimes' And My Suggested Punishments

Golf has a complicated and lengthy set of Rules that lay out how players should proceed in (probably) any scenario that transpires on the golf course.

Some would say the prescriptive Rules of the game are a turn-off for many prospective golfers. They think there are too many 'thou shalt nots' in there.

I don’t agree with that. In fact, I have argued that golf's complicated Rule book means we are more inclined to study and abide by it. If I’m honest, I think there are more things that could, and should, be illegal in golf.

Not all of them ought to (or could) be covered by the rule book. But if there was a dictatorial power in charge of the game, ruling with an iron fist, I would recommend they made the following things illegal, and punishable by death.

Okay, not death – varying degrees of punishment commensurate with the crime. Actually, that makes me think – I’ll come up with the right punishment for each recommended illegality and include in my suggestions below.

Persistently slow play

For me, there is nothing more tiresome in golf than slow play. It drives me round the twist.

Reaching a tee where three groups are waiting, watching a bunch of goons goofing about in a penalty area, driving buggies around maniacally like a scene from the whacky races, without hitting any shots or showing any sign of making progress… That’s rage-inducing stuff.

In fact, I could see a golfing dictator losing his or her rag completely at that sight. I can imagine a quiet order being delivered to their best henchperson to, “take care of it.”

I’m not sure it would be appropriate in the real world for it to be “taken care of” Michael Corleone-style. But I think persistent slow players, if they could be identified for repeat offence, should face some sort of penance.

Punishment – The persistently slow player should be given a taste of their own medicine. After their glacial game, they should be forced to join a designated “slow queue” in the clubhouse behind a group of octogenarian members swithering over soup choices.

Their order for food and drinks will then be put on a “go slow” list by the club steward. They might expect to receive it “sometime in the future.”

While waiting, they can go and stand in the “naughty line” for score entry, which takes place on an antiquated computer that will only accept one hole score every three minutes.

When they finally leave, they will find their car has been blocked in the car park and the owner of the “blocker-mobile” is still on the 15^th… And they are a slow player too and will have to go through all the above fun in the clubhouse! Ha.

Long putters

I just don’t think long putters are right. It’s not putting as it should be to wield a broomstick, whether you have it anchored to your chest or not… “Are you sure it’s not anchored to your chest?” … Yes… “Ok, we’ll give you the benefit of the doubt.” Cue eyeroll.

I think the longest club in your bag should be your driver. If the Rules were changed to say that, then any questions of the long putter and anchoring would go away.

Long putters should be illegal.

Punishment – Anyone caught using a long putter should be made to dress up like the Wicked Witch of the West and ride their 'broomstick' around the end of the practice ground while the club’s scratch team practices hitting 'stingers' at them.

Pre-booking times ‘on spec’

One of my personal golfing 'hates' is to see a totally booked-up tee sheet on a day when I decide I have some time to play.

And what I find even more frustrating is when I discover later that a number of those who had booked times, didn’t turn up.

At my club, booking for the Saturday competition opens two and a half weeks in advance. Within 15 minutes of opening, the times are fully booked from 7.30 to 1.30.

People jump on and put their name in, plus friends’ names in beside them, without any certainty on what they are all doing in 20 days’ time.

They leave their names in the slots until the last moment when they pull out. By that time, those who were unable to get a place have already made other plans. It’s not very cool and should be illegal.

Punishment – Repeat offenders of ‘booking on spec’ should be forced to hand their diaries over to the club committee.

The committee will then have control of the guilty party or parties schedule for the following month. They will double book their appointments, arrange meetings for the middle of the night, cancel boiler servicing, make impossible logistical commitments… That’ll learn them!

Car park golfing

Golf clubs in this country are struggling to make ends meet. Rising costs mean rising subscription fees and those rising fees are putting many (particularly younger) players off rejoining.

One of the things that’s essential to keep a club’s coffers healthy is for members to give a little every time they visit. To go into the clubhouse for a coffee and a roll before playing or to go in for a meal or just a drink afterwards.

Too often, those who complain about the rising costs and the state of the club are guilty of never giving the club their off-course custom.

They swing into the car park, grab their gear, play and then swing out of the car park straight upon finishing. They are not being very helpful. They are not being very sociable, are they precious? No, they are not…

Punishment – If Muhammad won’t go to the mountain, the mountain will go to Muhammad.

Those in the clubhouse should watch the car park carefully. When they spot a “car park joker” stashing their clubs in the boot and getting into the driving seat, they should all dash out into waiting minibuses, armed with sausage rolls, cakes, bottles of strong cider and club wine.

The minibuses will surreptitiously follow the “car parkist” back to their home. The occupants will pile in the front door behind the guilty party before they smell a rat, or possibly a chicken and leek pie.

The loyal members will immediately create a convivial “clubhouse” atmosphere in the front room. It will be jolly and nostalgic with suitable banter and only a very occasional complaint about the gassiness of the real ale or the quality of the towels in the ladies’ locker room.

The members will enjoy the transported club refreshments and victuals over a “long” afternoon before leaving a hefty bill with the “car park killjoy.” They won’t be leaving so promptly again.

Banditry

One of the most heinous of golfing crimes. The player who protects their handicap to win silverware. Nobody likes a bandit… except maybe fans of western films and regulars at the casino.

Is there anything more criminal in golf than masquerading off a false a handicap and then taking victory in the summer cup, or the club knockout? I’d say, not much.

Such people should be hung, drawn and quartered and strung up on the club gates as a warning to other bandits that “they ain’t welcome here…” Ok, bit harsh again. Maybe:

Punishment – Not allowed to play in the club knockout next year?

That’s not hugely funny though… How about, they are forced to wear a Halloween-style bandit costume. They are paraded through the clubhouse during the Sunday carvery while those with “correct” handicaps throw over-boiled vegetables at them, repeatedly shouting “cheat.” Yeah, that’s better.