The 11 Most Irritating Things To Hear On The Golf Course (Ranked)
Golf can be an annoying game in so many ways. But sometimes what your playing partners, or those around you on the course, say adds to the frustration
11. Never Up, Never In
This admonishment points out that for a ball to drop into the hole, it has to get up there in the first place and an under-hit shot won’t. All true. But it is also true that not all shots that come up short are bad putts.
A lag putt which finishes within two feet of the hole has to be considered mission accomplished. A tricky downhill putt on a slick green that comes up short may not be the worst result in the world, when an overhit shot may have rolled several feet past the hole or even off the green – which can lead to the next saying...
10. Still You
Or sometimes this is rendered as ‘dead sheep’, as in ‘still ewe’. Furthest from the hole putts first and when someone overhits a putt so badly that it is still them who is furthest from the hole, they probably won’t welcome someone in your group pointing this out quite so readily and cheerfully.
9. One!
The ball falls off the tee and someone calls out ‘one!’ as if that counts as you first shot. It doesn’t. They know and you know it – that is the, ahem, joke. It’s not really that funny and it certainly isn’t original.
8. Other groups
It is amazing how loudly some people talk to those who are really quite close to them. If someone is a few feet away, you don’t need to address them in a voice which carries over 50 yards.
You are not giving a speech at a public rally; you are having a normal conversation. If I am concentrating on my shot, I don’t want to be disturbed by someone elsewhere on the course bellowing away unnecessarily.
The dreaded 'reload' incoming!
7. Reload
A bit like ‘still you’ – I know I have played a bad shot, you don’t need to rub it in quite so crassly.
6. Fore!
This means a ball is coming your way. Or is it? Where is the call coming from and who is it directed to? Do I look up to see and risk getting a ball in my face? Do I just duck? Do I simply ignore it? A cry of ‘Fore left!’ is even worse.
By the time you have worked out where it has come from – so which is their left, how far the ball is likely to go and so on – it's too late to be of any relevance anyway.
5. Trees are 90% air
Yes, scientifically speaking they are in that only about 10% of the area is occupied by trunk, branches or leaves. But what relevance is that to the golfer as it does not mean 90% of shots will get through them.
A tree’s total volume may contain 90% air spaces, but it is a three-dimensional object and a golf ball has to pass through every single one of the layers of branches and leaves – unlikely to impossible, unless you punch the ball under the tree’s canopy and avoiding the trunk.
4. Is yours an official handicap? Do you put in many cards?
This isn’t a question as such, more an accusation that you are a bandit. ‘You are a high handicapper, how dare you to have just played a good drive/shot/hole. I am most offended and surprised,’ is what the subtext is.
3. Music
If I don’t want to be putt off by other groups talking unnecessarily loudly, I certainly do not want to have to listen to their music blaring out.
2. 'Good shot' when it isn’t
The story is told of Ben Hogan hitting his drive down the middle of the fairway, his inexperienced partner saying ‘great shot!’ and Hogan snapping back: "A tee shot into the fairway is not a 'great shot'."
Point is, for some it would be; for others, not so. It is great when others compliment your good play, but it has to be good play. Them praising an average shot suggest they don’t think much of your capabilities and can come across a wee bit patronising.
1. Greens have just been hollow tined
No one wants to hear that when they arrive at a golf club. Yes, we all know this work has to be done; we just want it to have been done at another time.
