10th – Camellia
Par 4 – 495 yards

All downhill, but a monster. Drive OK. Stop for a photo opportunity but fail to see the funny side when the bloke asks me to take a picture of him and his wife in front of the Butler Cabin. Hit second into huge bunker in the middle of the fairway about 120 yards short of the hole. Recover well with sand wedge just to the right of the green. Caddy persuades me to chip and run, which I do only to knife it into far right trap. Cue expletives and more finger jabbing. Triple bogey seven.

11th – White Dogwood
Par 4 – 505 yards

Best drive of the day, runs on to about 270 yards. Decide to hit my rescue club in. Catch it fat and leave it well short. Wedge on and two putt. Bogey five.

12th – Golden Bell
Par 3 – 155 yards

Give it everything with a 7-iron, watch in amazement as the ball sails high and long….. into the bunker behind the green. Faced with a downhill lie and the downslope of the green, I bottle the first attempt and spray sand all over my opponent, then thin the next one straight into Rae’s Creek. Agree to pick up as Gary Player and Trevor Immelman are giving it the Monty-hands-on-hips look back on the tee.

13th – Azalea
Par 5 – 510 yards

Top my drive, still embarrassed from last hole. Cream my 3-wood another 220 yards. Duff a 7-iron, wedge on and hole 20-footer for the worst par in US Masters history. It’s a victory, of sorts…

14th – Chinese Fir
Par 4 – 440 yards

Find the green in regulation with driver and 6-iron. First putt is 15 feet short, second rolls down the distinctive slope at the front of the green. Throw my putter to the floor and am booed by the crowd. Three more putts. Triple bogey seven.

15th – Firethorn
Par 5 – 530 yards

Good drive finds the fairway. Lay up with sensible 7-iron. Wedge into the water. Drop another one down and wedge on second time. Misread a monster 40-foot putt that breaks the other way. Turn round to have another go at my caddie, but realise he left me on the 14th green. Give myself a very generous triple bogey eight.

16th – Redbud
Par 3 – 170 yards

Opt for my 6-iron off the tee. Push it right, just avoiding bunker. Duff first chip, then nobble the second to within eight feet. No break on putt but still leave it short. Double bogey five.

17th – Nandina
Par 4 – 440 yards

Slice drive, this time onto 15th fairway. Play back with a safe 7-iron and then hit wedge to ten feet. Two putt and give it another needless fist pump and grit of teeth Harrington style.

18th – Holly
Par 4 – 465 yards

Don’t like the look of it from the back tee, so aim far left a la Ian Woosnam in 1991. Unlike Woosie, fail to fly the left-hand bunker and am left with a rescue club in. Strike it well, just short of green. Putt just past fringe, then take another three from there. Tip cap again and sign scorecard. Then throw it in the bin when I realise I have shot 101 minus the no score on the 12th…

Walk back to the media centre to get on with the day job…

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