'Forget Dentures, It's All About Farts' - An Ageing Golf Pro Details Her Hilarious Competitive Comeback

Most reading this article will not know much about Toledo, Ohio but here are some interesting facts. It’s the home of the Toledo Mudhens (Baseball), it’s where Jamie Farr (Klinger from Mash) grew up and the site of my finest hour.

Hard to believe that thirty years have slipped by since I became the first Scot to win on the LPGA Tour. And, scarier to think that I’ll be heading back there this week to play in the Greater Toledo Classic which has replaced the long running LPGA tour stop. It’s now a co-sanctioned event with the Epsom Tour, a feeder tour for the LPGA, and the Legends of the LPGA Tour. A brilliant idea spearheaded by the long time tournament director of the LPGA event – Judd Silverman and one of the LPGA’s finest, Stacy Lewis.

Part of the activities during the week of the event will be a mentoring session to help the young professionals starting out on tour life. What an opportunity for the future of the LPGA to learn from those who have gone before them.

Hopefully the first thing they learn is to apply sunscreen! Yep, we might have a few wrinkles and have grey hair, perhaps disguised with a wee tint here and there, but the collective knowledge we have to share will be invaluable. That is assuming we can remember the nuggets we want to share to help the new breed!

Since learning I made it into the select field in Toledo I have been inspired. As a senior LPGA professional, with limited status on the Tour, I have slim pickings when it comes to competitive golf. Sure, I play as much as I can with family and friends but, as most can attest to, this isn’t the same as having a card in your hand.

I recently played in a member-pro event at the beautiful Preserve Golf Club in California, where the pins were creative and the greens as slick as could be. This didn’t bode well for my putting confidence and even in this low key event I could feel the anxiety creeping in. This was the wake up call I needed to work on my game and get as ready as I can be for the “senior golf season”.

So, what exactly does a recently turned, not so young, 58 year old do to get ready for competitive senior golf? A lot ….

Just like any senior club golfer reading this, coming to terms with the effects of aging is no picnic! Five years ago my clubhead speed with my driver was maxing out at 92 mph. Now I’m busting a gut to eke out 82 mph! Yikes, writing that is even painful, only eased by the fact that I am getting stronger after a torn gluteus medius tendon was severely hampering my ability to get through the ball.

So, there’s the first thing I needed to fix - my injuries. A dose of PRP (platelet rich plasma) and more recently shock wave therapy seems to have helped my ailing hip. Hopefully, four early morning workouts per week in the gym (before my work which starts at 8am) will help strengthen my left side.

What do I do in the gym? Hip flexor exercises, hip mobility, rotational work with bands, work with the Golf Forever Swing Trainer (hey it works for Scottie Scheffler), plyometrics and basically golf specific moves not only to strengthen but just to be able to turn. I once heard a trainer say that if we don’t train our body to turn as we age, it will get harder. I also have a huge goal of being able to read a putt like a normal person, not like someone bending down on one knee as if pleading for mercy and then needing the putter or an extended arm to lean on to get back up!

Here’s another issue we aging golfers must contend with, what if I bend down to read a putt and one just happens to come out? Yep, that flatulence thing just happily pops out at any given time these days…god forbid if one were to follow through! I know you're laughing and probably nodding your head right now, right?

At least the unexpected ‘toot' has replaced my teeth worries. Due to a bad field hockey collision with a ball many moons ago, I had to wear a plate with a couple of false teeth for a while to let my gums heal. During this time in my mid 40s, my false teeth would horrifically make an appearance occasionally when I bent over to mark the ball! Nowadays my teeth are, thankfully, firmly in place, but as a warning to fellow competitors, make sure your dentures are well and truly secure before teeing it up.

As I always preach to my students, it’s important to work on your body to keep it in golf shape, but the game changer when it comes to performing, is the strength of your mind. I’m exercising my mind with a coach teaching Rapid Transformational Therapy (RTT). It’s a very powerful technique to train your brain and one I highly recommend if peak performance, in any field, is your objective.

With my days filled with workouts, work, practice, play and mental training I’m embracing the challenge. I’m aware the clock is ticking as far as my competitive golf is concerned but I’m going to be prepared as much as possible.

It’ll be a nostalgic trip down memory lane when I step on the grounds at Highland Meadows for the Greater Toledo Classic. Golf was easy for me that week 30 years ago with long drives, crisp iron shots, pure putts and a clear mind…which reminds me of my RTT session. In my mind I’ll be hitting long drives, crisp iron shots and holing putts. After all, you have to see it to believe it….