20 Of The Best Golf Jokes

Golf is one of the most sociable sports in the world. It's a game which can be enjoyed no matter what age you are, with millions of golfers playing and having a laugh every single year.

And, like most sports, there is also an array of jokes available for you to use on your golfing mates when you are next up at the club for a round of 18. 

We have listed our 20 favourites. Check them out below. 

Mark of respect

Two golfers are ready to play on the 11th tee as a funeral cortege passes by. The first player stops, doffs his cap, and bows his head as the cortege passes.

“That was a really nice thing to do,” the second golfer says. “It’s good to see there is still some respect in the world.”

“Well, it’s only right,” the first golfer replies. “I was married to her for 35 years.”

World’s worst

A golfer was having a terrible round - 20-over par for the front nine with loads of golf balls being lost in the water or rough. As he steadied himself over a 12-inch putt on the 10th, his caddie coughed, causing him to lose it.

"You've got to be the worst caddie in the world!" he yelled.

"I doubt it," replied the caddie, dead-pan. "That would be too much of a coincidence."

A word of advice

If you drink, don't drive. And don't even putt.

Drowning your sorrows

After a particularly poor round, a golfer spotted a lake as he walked despondently up the 18th.

He looked at his caddie and said, "I've played so badly all day, I think I'm going to drown myself in that lake."

The caddie, quick as a flash, replied, "I’m not sure you could keep your head down that long."

Lightning storm

What should you do if your round of golf is interrupted by a lightning storm?

Walk around holding your 1-iron above your head, because even Mother Nature can’t hit a 1-iron.

The right club?

A hacker was playing so badly that his caddie was getting increasingly exasperated.

On the 11th, his ball lay about 160 yards from the green and as he eyed up the shot, he asked his caddie, "Do you think I can get there with a 4-iron?"

"Eventually," replied the caddie, wearily.

Lightbulb

How many golfers does it take to change a lightbulb?

Fore.

Gimme gimme...?

A "gimme" can best be defined as an agreement between two golfers... neither of whom can putt very well.

Confessions

As a couple approaches the altar, the groom tells his wife-to-be, "Honey, I've got something to confess: I'm a golf nut, and every chance I get, I'll be playing golf!"

"Since we're being honest," replies the bride, "I have to tell you that I'm a hooker."

The groom replies, "That's okay, honey. You just need to learn to keep your head down and your left arm straight.”

It's a funny old game

Golf! You hit down to make the ball go up. You swing left and the ball goes right. The lowest score wins. And on top of that, the winner buys the drinks.

When it rains it pours

Two long time friends were standing on the tee overlooking a river getting ready to hit their shots. One of the golfers pointed down the river and turned to his friend and said, "Look at those idiots fishing in the rain!"

Keep your head down

Why does the golf pro tell you to keep your head down during lessons? So you can't see them laughing.

Who does he think he is?

Jesus and Moses were playing golf one day when they arrived at a tough, 215-yard par three, all over water. With the honour, Jesus stepped up to the tee with a 4 iron.  “That’s not enough club; you need at least a 4 wood," Moses said.

Jesus responded, “No, I saw Arnold Palmer play this hole the other day and he put a 4 iron five feet from the pin and sank the putt for a birdie.” Moses said, “I’m telling you, that’s not enough club!”

Striking his shot, Jesus put his ball into the water. He parted the water, walked out and got the ball and teed up again. Moses said, “I told you that was not enough club; you need at least a 4 wood.”

“This will be fine — remember what I said about Arnold Palmer.” Jesus said. As he struck his ball, it yet again went into the water. As Moses looked on in disgust, Jesus got his ball and teed it up for yet another try.

As he was about to hit shot for the third time, a foursome was approaching the tee with one of the golfers shouting, “What’s he doing hitting a 4 iron on this hole? He needs at least a 4 wood. Who does he think he is, JESUS CHRIST?” 

“No,” replied Moses, “He thinks he’s Arnold Palmer!”

Getting the right result

"You’re late on the tee, John."

"Yes, well being a Sunday, I had to toss a coin to see if I should go to church or go and play golf."

"Okay, but why are you so late?"

"I had to toss it 15 times!"

Coach, what is wrong with my game?

One day a player asked his coach: "What is going wrong with my game?"

"You're standing too close to the ball after you've hit it."

The last laugh

An argumentative drunk had been looking for a fight all afternoon in the club bar after losing his match, finally aiming a punch at the man next to him. The man ducked and the drunk, losing balance, fell off his stool on to the floor. By the time he'd dusted himself down and picked himself up, his opponent had departed.

"Not much of a fighter, was he?" he complained to the barman.

"Not much of a driver either, sir,” said the barman, gazing out of the window. “He's just driven over your clubs."

Best clubs ever owned

Hear the one about the bad-tempered golfer who bought a new set of TaylorMade clubs? After playing with them for a couple of rounds he returned to his pro shop and told the pro, “These were the best clubs I have ever played with. In fact, I can throw these clubs 40-yards further than my old ones!”

A fore-letter word

Golf got its name because all of the other four-letter words were taken.

How dare-he!

A man walked into the clubhouse and noticed a friend sitting in a corner wearing a neck brace. He sat down and asked his mate what happened. “Well, I was playing golf and I hit my ball into the rough,” replied his friend.

“Then I met a lady who was looking for her ball too. Finding mine, I thought I’d give her a hand. There was a cow nearby and I noticed that every time the cow twitched its tail there was a flash of white. So I went over to it and lifted its tail and sure enough there was the ball. I called out to the lady, ‘Ma’am, does this look like yours?’ And she hit me in the neck with her driver!”

And finally, a classic…

Why do golfers always carry a spare pair of trousers with them?

In case they get a hole in one.

I thank you…