A lighthearted look at 10 golfing no nos for serious golfers… please don’t be too offended if something you own features on this list – it’s only a bit of fun!

Shorts with black socks and/or shoes

Golf isn’t tennis and most golfers’ legs aren’t like Pat Cash’s, so the general rule would be to cover them up please. If you’re golfing in hot and humid climates, you may be excused, but not if you combine your shorts with black socks and/or black shoes as Brits are occasionally inclined to do. Top of our golfing no nos.

Our No. 1 no no, as committed by famous and, no doubt, very wealthy actor, Bill Murray

Towel clipped to belt

Just wrong, full stop – it’s a bit like wearing a sporran without a kilt.

Under no circumstances, thank you very much!

Novelty Ian Poulter headcover

Why, just why? We like a bit of Ian Poulter, but one of the man is surely enough for anyone, even the no-doubt devoted Mrs Poulter. Thanks goodness they never introduced any ‘Ian Poulter Ryder Cup expressions’ special editions.

Surely one Ian Poulter is enough for any man?

Score clicker

If you really can’t remember how many shots you’ve played, is there not perhaps a strong argument that you maybe shouldn’t be playing at all?

Sponge ball cleaner

Too many things dangling from your bag destroys all credibility, but this is perhaps the worst of the bunch. Typically made from a blue rubbery material with a bright yellow sponge. May we politely ask what’s wrong with a small golf towel?

Black golf glove

You’re not Alvin Stardust – God rest his soul – so don’t do it.

Just because Alvin could get away with black leather anywhere doesn’t mean it’s right for you

Orange golf ball

Another poor colour choice only ever likely to boost the confidence of opponents. Yes, yes, they show up better in the frost, but how often do you really feel like playing when it’s that cold outside?

Orange balls – pretty, but not right

Ball monogrammer

The staple of many a Christmas stocking, but why spend hours stamping your initials on your golf balls with something akin to a nutcracker when you’re only going to lose them within milliseconds anyway?

Ball retriever

Stop for a moment and think what message this sends out to your opponent. Something along the lines of, “Sorry, I’m not very good and am likely to spend half the round fishing balls out of unpleasant spots.” Cue massive confidence boost to opponent! Would you really rather save a few bob than win that important match?

Ball retrievers: a surefire way to boost your opponent’s confidence

Plastic ‘castle’ tees

Question: How are you supposed to vary tee height as and when conditions dictate with these fixed height offerings? Answer: With great difficulty.

Castle tees don’t easily adapt to the varying demands of the tee shot