More than a game: A day to forget

published 18 October 2007

Venue: Insch

Date: 17 October

My fears began to be realised upon our arrival in the town of Insch. There?s one "Golf Club" sign just beyond the railway line pointing towards the town centre. We drove right through the town and out the other side, no golf club sighted. We swung round and back into town where we turned right into a housing estate, still no golf club. Then we spotted golfers and thought we?d cracked it. No, we still couldn?t find the golf club. I then attempted a U-turn in someone?s drive and scraped the front left side of my car on their wall. At this point I was becoming more than a little upset.

We then had to resort to one of the most humiliating things men in cars ever face. We asked for directions. Eventually, through a labyrinth of houses, we found our destination. But the ordeal wasn?t over. The car park was full to the brim, not even a cheeky space on a verge or by the bins. ?There?s an overflow car park round the corner.? A fellow competitor advised us. ?Thanks,? I replied through grated teeth. I think at this point Stewart would have liked to exit the car to avoid being scalded by the steam spouting from my ears.

A few more wrong turns and we located the overflow car park in the middle of a children?s playground. After inspecting the damage to the car, I stomped to the first tee in a dismal frame of mind. My mood was not improved by the sight of internal out of bounds to the left of the fairway. Those perseverant few who read this weekly rant will know internal OB is one of my many nemeses. I disapprove of it so virulently that I have to hit over the white stakes every time I see it just so I can complain about it?s ridiculousness back in the clubhouse.

So, of course, I was OB with my first tee shot. My second ball found the fairway but my fourth shot went into a stream, my sixth reached the green and my seventh, eighth and ninth took place on the green. A quintuple bogey and my round was over almost before it had begun. I then had to endure four hours of the most shocking golf I?ve played for a few years. I was out of bounds twice more, in another two streams and generally racking up big scores faster than Andrew Symonds in a bad mood. On one short par four I hit seven-iron off the tee then sand wedge, sand wedge, sand wedge en-route to a six. I finished the round with a calculator-busting 83.

I?ve heard golfing sages say you should take something out of every round. It was difficult with this one but I guess I?ve got this. If I play with a negative approach, truly believing each hole will bring another disaster, it most probably will. My brain will override my body to make sure I pull it into that pond or push it past the right edge on that potentially par saving three footer. I must keep trying no matter what. Remember Fergus: you?re a gritty competitor.

Fergus is Golf Monthly's resident expert on the history of the game and has written extensively on that subject. He has also worked with Golf Monthly to produce a podcast series. Called 18 Majors: The Golf History Show it offers new and in-depth perspectives on some of the most important moments in golf's long history. You can find all the details about it here.

He is a golf obsessive and 1-handicapper. Growing up in the North East of Scotland, golf runs through his veins and his passion for the sport was bolstered during his time at St Andrews university studying history. He went on to earn a post graduate diploma from the London School of Journalism. Fergus has worked for Golf Monthly since 2004 and has written two books on the game; "Great Golf Debates" together with Jezz Ellwood of Golf Monthly and the history section of "The Ultimate Golf Book" together with Neil Tappin , also of Golf Monthly.

Fergus once shanked a ball from just over Granny Clark's Wynd on the 18th of the Old Course that struck the St Andrews Golf Club and rebounded into the Valley of Sin, from where he saved par. Who says there's no golfing god?