From the rough: Model professional

Although I recognise that this will strike a lot of you as crazy, I?ve more or less made up my mind to turn pro. Before you start beating me about the head with your pitching wedges in a desperate attempt to knock some sense into me, let me explain my brilliant thinking.

It?s my honest belief that tournament golf is becoming rather tedious because tour pros are, essentially, just too similar. They can all drive the ball ridiculous distances, are remarkably steady with their irons, incredibly accurate with every one of the several wedges, are brilliant out of bunkers and can knock putts in from all over the place. All very clever, I admit, but not exactly entertaining. Furthermore, the pros not only play a very similar game to one another but they also look rather alike.

What I believe the game is crying out for is a few more, for want of a better word, ?characters?; players who would genuinely bring something new, fresh and original to the tour. And, without wishing to sound immodest, I genuinely believe that I am a just such a ?character.?

Those amongst you who are astute observers of the game will already be harbouring doubts as to the wisdom of what I?m proposing. You will, I suspect, be thinking that your favourite blogger is overblogged and in desperate need of several months rest and recuperation after what has evidently been a stressful period. How can, you might be wondering, a spectacularly unsuccessful 14-handicapper with a suspect grip, indifferent posture and one of the worst putting strokes in the northern hemisphere, be seriously contemplating life on the Tour?

Let me explain. Because I will be refreshingly different from all the other pros, I will both stand out and be a player with whom the fans can identify. Topping drives, slicing irons, duffing chips and three-putting from a few feet, all of which are unmistakeable features of my game, will surely endear me to all those who love an underdog.

Getting started is clearly going to be difficult as I don?t fancy Tour School. I?m probably going to have to rely, initially at least, on sponsors? invites. But just as there was with Michelle Wie and those other ladies who were allowed to tee it up on the PGA Tour, there?s clearly going to be considerable media interest in my exploits. If I, or rather my agent, can maximise the associated sponsorship opportunities, I see no reason why I shouldn?t clean up? at least until my anticipated failures begin to pall. By which time, I shall have made so much money that I won?t mind returning to the amateur ranks and switching my competitive attention back to medals and midweek Stablefords.